*bing*

I'm not a smoker. Well, that's not completely true, I did in the summer following my college graduation take up smoking cigarettes for exactly one week. This was mostly because I was working at a coffee shop with a bunch of high school students who were enthralled by the newness of eighteen and it's many freedoms (and of course by 'freedoms' I mean ' availability of substances'). This meant, then, that my fellow employees would take "smoke breaks" about every 45 minutes while I (the only non-smoker) would work the counter for extended periods of time by myself. My solution? Take up smoking. Duh. However, this created a challenge for me as I have never been able to inhale much of anything other than plain old oxygen, and from time to time I mess that up with a little thing I like to call the "went-down-the-wrong-tube" syndrome where I frequently choke on my own spit (it's genetic).

I attribute my lack of addiction to my inability to inhale; I would puff the smoke into my cheeks and immediately poof it out. I imagine it looked a lot like when a child fills his mouth with water in a swimming pool and spits it at the closest adult. Only, more childish in the company of my fellow employees who were actually enjoying their nicotine high. My week stint of smoking cigarettes was only extended to that length because I felt guilty not finishing the pack. Yes, it took me an entire week to finish one pack of cigarettes. Another incentive to quitting the not-quite-habit was the continual poking fun at my inhaling technique. There I would sit, 22 years old, absorbing the raining laughter and ridicule from all of the more experienced, cooler looking 16-18 year olds on our smoke breaks and I would think about how much longer it was going to take me to finish the damn cigarette so I could go back inside. This attitude increased the hilarity of my smoking technique as I would speed up the puffing and poofing and I'm sure you can create your own visual.

But I digress.

I bring up smoking for an entirely random reason. I've been flying on airplanes quite a lot lately which has been a terror due to my newly developed phobia of flying. So when I'm on a flight I try to distract myself from frightening things like turbulance, directional change of the plane, or any shifting my row partners might do in their seats.
On my most recent flight I began to become disgruntled about the 'no smoking' sign above every row on both isles of the plane. My major issue with it is the redundancy of the reminder as well as the torture it undoubtedly causes for a certain population of passengers. Of course I'm talking about the smokers, with whom I can easily sympathize as I've mentioned I am a seasoned smoker myself.
Here's how it goes: We are, as passengers, first given a verbal reminder that there is no smoking allowed on the plane. Secondly, don't mess with the smoke detectors on board the aircraft or you'll be serving 25 to life in a federal prison with a cellmate who committed first degree murder (You don't want to end up someone's bitch over a smoke detector). Finally, they light up a visual reminder that your ass is grass if you sneak off to the shoe-box-sized bathroom to flick your bic and relieve your withdrawls.
The no smoking sign screams cruelty. I can't imagine being a smoker, mentally readying yourself for a three hour flight from Newark, NJ to somewhere in Tennessee during which you will not have any kind of practical access to the biggest physical addiction you struggle with personally and as the plane is just about to take off you must feel like a celebate man with coupons to a brothel as they light up a little sign right in front of your face with a picture of A CIGARETTE BILLOWING SMOKE. And this is what you get to stare at for the duration of your flight.
I'm not saying smoking on airplanes should be legal, however I do believe the airlines could be a bit more understanding and sympathetic. Perhaps pass out little nicottine patches during the beverage parade? No one really likes the peanuts anyway.